Making Amends and Forgiveness

As we work through our recovery we must keep in mind that we must always seek God’s direction in the things we do. We claimed to have turned our will over to God, so we must continually seek His will. As it says in the BB on page 85, ‘How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done’. When we come to Step Eight and Nine the Good Book (the Bible) has lots of directions for us on making amends. Since we should be using both the BB and GB in our lives and in seeking God’s direction for our lives let’s look at Matthew 18:21-35 and see what light it can shed on preparing and making amends.

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, when my fellow believer sins against me, how many times must I forgive him? Should I forgive him as many as seven times?"  ²² Jesus answered, "I tell you, you must forgive him more than seven times. You must forgive him even if he wrongs you seventy times seven.²³ "The kingdom of heaven is like a king who decided to collect the money his servants owed him. ²⁴ When the king began to collect his money, a servant who owed him several million dollars was brought to him. ²⁵ But the servant did not have enough money to pay his master, the king. So the master ordered that everything the servant owned should be sold, even the servant's wife and children. Then the money would be used to pay the king what the servant owed. ²⁶ "But the servant fell on his knees and begged, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you everything I owe.' ²⁷ The master felt sorry for his servant and told him he did not have to pay it back. Then he let the servant go free. ²⁸ "Later, that same servant found another servant who owed him a few dollars. The servant grabbed him around the neck and said, 'Pay me the money you owe me!' ²⁹ "The other servant fell on his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you everything I owe.' ³⁰ "But the first servant refused to be patient. He threw the other servant into prison until he could pay everything he owed. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were very sorry. So they went and told their master all that had happened. ³² "Then the master called his servant in and said, 'You evil servant! Because you begged me to forget what you owed, I told you that you did not have to pay anything. ³³ You should have showed mercy to that other servant, just as I showed mercy to you.' ³⁴ The master was very angry and put the servant in prison to be punished until he could pay everything he owed. ³⁵ "This king did what my heavenly Father will do to you if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart."

The first thing we see here is Peter asking Jesus how many times should we forgive a brother or a sister, ‘seven times?’ Jesus states that seven times is not enough. Jesus tells us seven times seventy, or 490 times. Is 490 some magical number? No, Jesus is just making the point that we should forgive anyone as many times as is necessary. Just hold on to that thought and we’ll come back to it later on.

Jesus then goes on to tell a story of forgiveness and mercy. He tells of a king that decides he is going to collect all the money owed to him by his servants. As he starts going through his kingdom and settling the  debts that he is owed he comes across one who owes millions. The king orders that he, his wife, his kids and all he owns be sold to resolve the debt he owes.

Now, I would like to ask, what would you do in this situation? Would you accept what was coming? I am sure that everyone of us would try to work out an agreement. We would beg for more time and promise to re-pay the entire debt, even though we knew in the back of our mind that we could never re-pay all that we owed. The story says the man also dropped to his knees and begged. This man humbled himself to his king, and ask to for the king to forgive him of his debt. Yes, he asked the king to forgive the debt, as both the servant and the king were well aware that ALL the money could never be re-paid.

The king now has a decision to make. Does he tell the servant to give him a couple of days to think about it? No, he had compassion on the servant and told him he didn’t have to pay the money back. The king forgave the servants debt. He showed the servant forgiveness and let him go free. The servant now had his freedom, he was no longer in bondage, the king had set him free.

This is how God responds to us when we confess our wrongs to Him. He responds with compassion and forgives us. We sometimes think we have to fix our wrong doings before God will forgive us. The Bible tells us in John 3 that God did not send Jesus into this world to condemn us but that we might receive His forgiveness and have a real, everlasting relationship with Him.

Being free, the former servant now runs into another of the kings servants. This servant owes the man a few dollars. The man grabs the servant by the throat and demands the money owed him. The servant does the same thing the man did when confronted by the king, he falls to his knees and begs the man to be patient with him and he will repay all owes. The man is having nothing to do with his plee for patience and has him thrown into prison until he could repay his debt.

Is that anyway for a person to act towards another? He was just shown mercy for the same type of transgression but cannot find it in his heart to do the same for his brother. This is typical of the self-serving, self-centered nature of man. Man always is looking out for himself, wanting what is rightfully owed him, and willing to go to any lengths to get it.

I really think, and this is coming from me, that most of us, most of the time are more concerned for ourselves than we are the other person. The world in which we live is always telling us that we need to look out for ourselves. We are in control of our own life and our own destiny. We need to invest in ourselves. Then we are told to be careful. Everyone is out to get us or to take advantage of us. We are taught, sometimes from a very young age to not trust anyone. It’s no wonder that we a so ‘I’ focused.

We must come to realize that we need to think of others before we think of ourselves. We need to look at our brother and see what his needs and wants are. We need to place our brother before us. When someone asks for mercy, like the servants above, we need to be quick to forgive. We don’t say, ‘Let me think about it.’ It just need to forgive. If we need time to think about it then we will get back into ourselves. When we get back into ourselves, we will come up with all kinds of reasons, that we justify in our minds, of why we should not forgive.

The king catches wind of what the first servant had done and he calls him on the carpet. The king, now angry says, how could you? I forgave you of  much and you could not even forgive your brother a few dollars. You self-centered, miserable, evil man. I will have you thrown in prison until you repay everything you owe.

There are consequences to everything we do. We make our choices and then we live by the consequences. When we do harm to others, even when we upset others, we can hurt our relationships with others. Sometimes the hurts can last a life time. It can seem that we have been alienated for life. That we are placed in a cell, away from the estranged brother, in a prison of our own making. That is why it is so important to show our brother mercy, compassion and forgiveness.

As stated in the last sentence of the passage: "This king did what my heavenly Father will do to you if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart." Jesus is emphasizing the point of forgiveness, that forgiveness is very important. I think Jesus in Matthew says is well:

²³ Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.       Matthew 5:23-24

We can not make amends to others until we have forgiven them for any harm they have caused us. We have to forgive them. In many, if not all cases, it is the resentment that has caused the damage in our relationships with others. Really, if we were not resentful of something they did to us would we really be asking for forgiveness. In every case there is a reason for our resentment. We resent the fact our spouse poured the booze out, dumped the pills down the toilet, took the kids and left. We resent our boss, because we did not get the raise we think we deserved, we didn’t get the promotion, we got fire. We resent the fact that our best friend always took the car keys, that they wouldn’t stay at the party longer, that they deserted us when we continued down the path of self-destruction and we would no longer listen to our reason. Behind every broken relationship we can find resentment.

Step Eight of the Twelve Steps tells us we were ready to make amends to everyone we had harmed. Step Eight is about us forgiving them and asking God to forgive us for the resentment and the harm we have done to them. It is becoming willing to make amends. The Big Book, on page 77 states when we go to make amends; ‘We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit…’ A forgiving spirit means we have forgiven the other person and God has forgiven us for the past hard feelings. We have forgiven the resentment we have held and we are ready to set things straight with him.

Step Nine states we make direct amends whenever possible. Amends is asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness to others. Amends is setting things straight and making restitution  when necessary. We need to admit when we are wrong. We need to forgive the other person, to show the other person mercy. We need to ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. We need to ask for our own well being and because God has asked us to do it.

In the beginning of the Jesus stated:

You must forgive him even if he wrongs you seventy times seven.

This is Step 10 and 11 in action. Jesus used ‘seventy times seven’ to mean that we should forgive as many times as needed. Step 10 says we must continue to take a personal moral inventory, as many times as needed, and when we are wrong to promptly admit it. We are to ask forgiveness to God and to the other person. We are to forgive them at the same time.

Step 11 says we seek God through prayer and meditation, seeking God’s will and His knowledge to carry His will out in our lives. God will directs us to those we need to make amends to. We just need to pray for Him to show us. As it says in the Big Book on page  85,  ‘Everyday is a day in when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all our activities. “How can I best serve Thee -- Your will (not mine), be done.”’

It is hoped that this will help others as they practice the principles of the 12 Steps. Please feel free to post your comments and open a discussion on your thoughts on what has been presented.